This Is Making You Effeminate
Men do hard things.
Effeminacy, as St. Thomas Aquinas defines it, is the vice that is opposite of the virtue of perseverance, namely, “when a man is ready to forsake a good on account of difficulties which he cannot endure.” St Thomas continues and explains: “This is what we understand by effeminacy, because a thing is said to be ‘soft’ if it readily yields to the touch.” St Thomas also describes effeminacy as a reluctance to suffer due to an attachment to pleasure.
Effeminacy, then, is when a man refuses to do what he needs to do, out of fear of dealing with hardships or losing his precious comforts, to which he is disorderly attached. He is a slave to comfort and his worldly pleasures become more important to him than the pursuit of virtue or acting righteously as a man.
This showcases a sort of spiritual “softness”, in which the actions of a man are determined not by morality, values, or principles, but by that which is easier and most comfortable.
Effeminate is different from femininity —which is a virtue women should pursue—, but effeminacy does make a man less masculine, as it makes him softer, less perseverant, and incapable of leading properly.
What Causes Effeminacy?
“This effeminacy is caused in two ways. On one way, by custom: for where a man is accustomed to enjoy pleasures, it is more difficult for him to endure the lack of them. On another way, by natural disposition, because, to wit, his mind is less persevering through the frailty of his temperament. This is how women are compared to men, as the Philosopher says (Ethic. vii, 7): wherefore those who are passively sodomitical are said to be effeminate, being womanish themselves, as it were.”
— St. Thomas Aquinas
For the purposes of this article, we’ll focus on the first one, because that is the main cause of effeminacy in our postmodern world. It is true that some men, because of their temperament, will be more or less inclined towards acting effeminately, but that’s a matter for another article.
In this one, the goal is to expose the main attachments that the modern man has, that are considered generally “harmless”, and yet aren’t harmless at all, and provide strategies to fight against effeminacy effectively.
We know that effeminacy is an excessive attachment to comfort, which leads to spiritual softness and an incapability to do the hard things that a man must do. There are a lot of obvious sources of effeminacy: addictions to junk food, video games, social media, entertainment, pornography, and so on, but there are a few that aren’t so commonly spoken of and yet are very strong attachments that need to be removed from your life. For the modern man, from what I’ve seen, aside from the things already mentioned, there are 3 unspoken and distinct attachments that make him effeminate.
I anticipate that some readers will dislike what I’m about to explain, because these are things that most men are profoundly hooked to, so much so that they can’t even begin to consider removing them from their lives or seeing them as a source of effeminacy. I encourage you to read the whole article with an open mind, and ask yourself honestly if the things I’m about to describe could be things that are keeping you addicted to comfort or attached to the world and if getting rid of them could be a step forward in your journey towards sanctity.
I will explain what they are, and then provide both general and more specific strategies to combat them and remove effeminacy from your life.
So what exactly are these things that are making you effeminate?
The 3 Unspoken Causes of Effeminacy In Men Today
#1: Praise, Recognition, and Social Validation
Most men today subject their entire lives to being “liked” or approved by society. Their energy is completely directed towards acting in whatever way will get them the most praise or recognition from their fellow men.
This is a very dangerous attachment, as it stems from a prideful desire. Why do you struggle so hard to be recognized by the world? Everything you are is a blessing from above, and not of your own doing.
Additionally, you are not supposed to be loved by the world, and even less so at a time when the mainstream culture is one that clearly goes against the higher virtues that we hold dear.
If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.
— John 15:18-19
Society is never going to love those that call out sin and follow Christ faithfully. Being attached to the praise and recognition from your fellow men simply means you’ll never draw a line or stand against sin. It means you’ll be soft and malleable by the social context you find yourself in. And that is, by definition, effeminate.
#2: Fictional Characters, Celebrities, or Politics
The average man spends more time thinking and talking about his favorite movie character, his favorite football player, or his favorite singer or celebrity than he does doing basically anything else.
It’s sad to see men becoming “fanboys” of this or that influencer, this or that athlete, or this or that celebrity. Grown men wearing football shirts with the name of a player who doesn’t even know they exist. Grown men discussing the latest celebrity drama. Grown men emotionally broken when their team loses a football game. Grown men knowing details about the private lives of celebrities.
The danger of being attached to this is that we have a tendency to make idols out of people. I’m not exaggerating when I say that most men idolize influencers, celebrities, or athletes to the point of being religious about it. Idolatry is a grave sin, and we are strongly warned against it because we have such a strong tendency to fall into it.
The only man you should try to emulate, imitate, and worship, is Jesus Christ. If your thoughts are not occupied on building your relationship with Him, you’ll naturally deviate from the path and give the men that you look up to here on earth too much importance and energy.
Jesus knows you personally, and He cares for and loves you. These celebrities, politicians, or athletes don’t. Jesus is perfect. No other man is.
Being attached to this also makes you effeminate because it distracts you from your responsibilities, makes you addicted to the comfort of watching sports, movies, and other forms of entertainment in which you can “spend some time with your idol”, and it keeps you fixated on material things instead of on God and eternal life.
#3: Career or Reputation
There’s a problem in modern society and that is that most people let their identities be defined not by their values and virtues but by the title they hold or the career they chose to pursue.
A doctor thinks himself, above all, a doctor. A writer thinks himself to be a writer. A singer thinks himself to be a singer. These are all valid and valuable careers —that goes without saying—, but just like most things, these are things we ought not to be attached to.
We cannot let ourselves become attached to anything in this life, because we know that the things in this life are temporary, fleeting, and incomparable to the eternal things.
Your identity cannot be defined by the position you hold, or by the titles that you have. Your identity, your real identity, is that of a child of God, and everything else is secondary to that.
Your career is important, yes. But your career is simply a means through which you can use the talents God gave you to fulfill your ultimate vocation: to reach sanctity, to share the light of Christ with the world, and to attain Heaven and eternal life after you perish. Your career is a means to a greater end, not the end itself, nor what determines who you are.
To be very clear here: The problem is the attachment to the thing, not necessarily the thing itself. For example, watching a football game here and there is okay, but becoming overly invested in a specific sports club or player to the point that it keeps your heart from being oriented towards more important things is not. It’s okay to partake in political discussions and go out there and vote —it’s actually a Christian duty—, but it is not okay to idolize politicians or become overly attached to politics in general. It’s okay to choose a career that you enjoy and find meaning in, but it’s not okay to think of yourself first and foremost as whatever that career says you are.
Any attachment to worldly things, even to things that are good in nature will lead you to effeminacy, because attachments make it more difficult and more unlikely for you to undertake the difficult sacrifices that Christian life demands.
A Christian man needs to be willing to sacrifice everything to follow Christ. Even things that are neutral or good, because nothing is good if it keeps you from surrendering your entire heart, mind, and soul to Jesus. It’s this willingness what matters most, and attachments make you, by definition, unwilling to sacrifice everything to God.
Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
— Matthew 19:21
Of course this isn’t easy. This is the great battle that us Christians face. I too become attached to things. We are together in this fight, but we need to know it is indeed a fight, and try our hardest to emerge victorious.
Strategies to Combat Effeminacy And Worldly Attachments
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
— James 4:7-10
James gives us practical strategies to combat attachments to the world so we can focus on attaching ourselves to God.
Submit yourselves therefore to God: Follow His commandments. Partake in the sacraments. Take your faith and devotion seriously by being disciplined about living it every single day. If you are busy and have trouble finding time to devote to God, here’s a book that might help you.
Resist the devil and he will flee from you: disorderly attachments are pleasing to the devil, because they keep you distracted from God, which in turn makes it more likely that you sin. Ground yourself in God’s Word, rebuke the devil in the name of Christ whenever you feel tempted, and avoid putting yourself in situations where sin and temptation run rampant.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you: be frequently involved in religious activities, attend Holy Mass, read your Bible, discuss theology with fellow Christians. Read a daily devotional to make it a daily habit to offer your time and energy to God.
Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded: Ask for forgiveness, go to confession, repent from your sins, and spend time kneeling and praying. Purify your heart by actively asking God to cleanse you and purify your intentions, and by being consistent and practicing what you preach. Don’t be a lukewarm Christian. Don’t claim to be a follower of Christ and then liberally engage in sinful and degenerate actions and activities.
Be wretched and mourn and weep: Mourn over your own sinful condition to keep yourself humble and dependent on God’s grace. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you: Like we saw, some of the most common and strongest attachments for the modern man stem from pride. Make it a frequent practice to humble yourself before the Lord, remembering your sinful condition and asking for His grace and forgiveness. Meditate on this frequently and you’ll begin to find that the only approval you need is that of God.
May this help you get rid of any disorderly attachments you have and may it free your heart so you can direct it fully to The Lord, so you can combat effeminacy and become a man of fortitude, fit to lead his own life and his people towards salvation in Christ.
Remember that this will always be a battle, but it is the most important battle we can fight, and we fight it side by side.
God bless you and keep you,
Simple Man
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I wonder what the ladies have to say about this. Were St Thomas around today, perhaps he’d say “boyish” rather than “effeminate.” That said, society provides protection to children and to women (though less so), which is unavailable men. Women must sacrifice for children, but men must sacrifice for children and for women. If a man can’t protect himself, then he’s of no use to anyone and doesn’t deserve protection, in this view. Comforts thus pose a greater risk to a man’s responsibilities. Comforts being available to women, but not to men, however, isn’t a criticism of women because the context of being a woman is different. Still, Thomas’s word choice is bound to be misinterpreted today.
“The only man you should try to emulate, imitate, and worship, is Jesus Christ.”
I understand your point but imitation and emulation are very different from worship.
I believe there are many saints and likely men we may know of or know personally, who act more virtuously than we know ourselves to be, are least in certain areas/aspects of life. I see no problem in acknowledging and aspiring to any true virtue exemplified by another man.
To worship or to idolize others is much different than recognizing and striving to emulate a virtue or talent that we recognize as good and praiseworthy in someone else.
Christ is the perfect man. As He is also The Divine Second Person of The One Triune God, He is worthy of Worship, which is to be granted to no other but God.
Again, I understand and agree with what you say in regard to not being swayed by today’s worldly standards or striving for temporal accolades.
But The Church canonizes saints not only so that we can ask their intercession, but also so we can be confident that even though others have lived in many different ways, they ultimately came by God’s Grace to live (or die) in a manner we can look up to and strive to emulate.
Saint Paul knew he could do no good but through God’s Grace; yet could also say:
“Be ye followers of me, as I also am of Christ [1 Corinthians 11:1]
Also translated:
“Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.”