The Ache of a Lost Vocation

A Love that Still Lingers

The loss of my vocation to the religious life still feels even four years later as if a part of my soul has been torn away, and the weight of such a loss continues to tug at my heartstrings. I was not merely taking a step into the path towards becoming a religious sister, but I could feel myself being intertwined into a most beautiful divine relationship, where the preparation of a whole lifetime was to be inextricably joined with Christ as His bride. It was not just a dream, but an all-consuming love that filled me with a sense of purpose and belonging that I had never had before in my life. It was a yearning for something more; something so much more. Every whispered prayer in the stillness, every act of service for God’s people, and every hour spent in adoration were love letters written to Him. This was my way of saying, "Here I am, Lord, I am Yours."

But for now, that love hangs in the air, almost like a conversation that was suddenly hushed mid-sentence, and I find myself literally straining to hear His voice, as I ask “What do I do now, Lord?” I am back to where I started, before I first discerned religious life; a feeling of emptiness and longing for a life other than what lies before me.  I have sometimes marveled if it is possible for anyone who has never experienced this themselves, really to understand what this has done to those of us who lost the vocation that was everything. I was not being prepared for an ordinary life; I was being prepared to give myself utterly, to be Christ’s bride, to live every moment for Christ serving His Church as a religious sister.