Loving vs. Using: What it Takes to Truly Love Another
Based on St. Pope John Paul II's book, Love and Responsibility
Opposite:
(1) set over against something that is at the other end or side of an intervening line or space
(2) occupying an opposing and often antagonistic position
(3) contrary to one another or to a thing specified : REVERSE
We’re all familiar with opposites—black and white, good and evil, clean and dirty. Some opposites are easy to spot, while others are more nuanced.
Before reading further, pause a moment and reflect: how would you define the opposite of love?
Obviously there are many aspects to that question, since in English we use the word “love” for a variety of feelings. For example, “I love chocolate” isn’t the same as “I love my dog,” “I love my children,” or “I love my spouse.” Even so, when talking about human relationships, what is the word or phrase that best describes the opposite of love?
I recently ran a poll on my website to ask others their opinion. I received an array of thought-provoking answers, such as:
Fear
Detachment
Selfishness
Indifference
Hate
Wanting the worst for another
Not caring
Not protecting
Lust
Apathy
Disdain
Disrespect
Contempt
Repulsion
These are all excellent responses, and they’re all true—to a point. But in my opinion, what captures all these other opposites in one single yet provocative word is:
Using
The opposite of authentic, Christ-centered love is that of using another person for one’s own benefit or gain without care, empathy, love or responsibility.
In St. Pope John Paul II’s seminal work, Love and Responsibility, he states:
“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not as an object for use … using a person as a means to an end would conflict with justice ... Anyone who treats a person as the means to an end does violence to the very essence of the other, to what constitutes its natural right ... we must never treat a person as the means to an end."
In a relationship where one partner displays a high level of self-focused tendencies, using their partner rather than truly loving them is sadly part of the emotional dynamic.
“Love” tends to be a competition in such situations: a competition to be sure the ego-centered partner always comes out on top.
Some signs that you may be the object of use in your relationship rather than loved for who you truly are include:
In conversations, you’re talked at rather than to or with—in other words, your partner habitually dominates the conversation while you’re not “allowed” or able to contribute your opinion, thoughts, or comments.
Your partner requires unbalanced and too-frequent praise, appreciation, awe, or admiration—and if you don’t comply, you pay the price.
Unaddressed low self-esteem that results in a victimhood mentality—which morphs into an excuse for toxic behavior—dominates your partner’s personality. They expect you to rescue them or assuage their feelings of unworthiness—as if you, not Jesus Christ, are their savior.
Being the center of attention is crucial to your partner—and they’ll belittle or criticize you, even in front of others, to maintain their image and place on center stage.
You’ve been taken advantage of emotionally, spiritually, sexually, or financially.
Your partner appreciates your exterior attractions (i.e. physical appearance, ability to produce an income or keep a tidy home, your prestige within the community or your creativity), yet there is no mutual self-giving when you try to share your interior self.
These are all signs of “use” rather than love, although there are many more. Even so, I think this basic recap gives you an idea of what objectification, verses love, feels like.
How Can You Stop the Cycle?
First, recognize what’s going on. Are you able to reasonably talk with your partner about the issue, or do you get blamed, shut down, or further abused? If healthy and normal communication is simply not possible, setting firm boundaries around any continued behavior is essential.
Define what you will accept in your relationship, and what you won’t. If you’re treated in any way that defies your boundaries, set clear goals on what the consequences will be—and stick to those consequences. This is a matter of self-care, not limit setting. Boundaries are essential to all healthy relationships.
Disengage with the behavior by not allowing yourself to be used any longer, to the best of your ability given your personal situation. For example, you could make use of the grey rock method (respond only with brief, boring answers--“yes,” “no,” “okay,” “if that’s your opinion,” etc.—and if possible, don’t engage at all). However, be warned: if you cut off a self-focused person’s source of supply, it can lead to “narcissistic injury,” which in turn can cause more chaos. Being warned can help you be prepared, which strengthens your inner self against potential future attacks. (As always, if you’re in physical danger, please seek professional and local help.)
Are You Looking for Further Help and Healing?
If you’re a woman seeking Christ-centered support, healing courses, intercessory prayer times with others, and so much more, you could pray about joining the Hope’s Garden community. If you’re a man seeking the same, check out Men of Hope. Also, the Simon Community is an exceptional resource for men seeking marital healing after sexual addiction. Please feel free to contact me with any questions you might have about either community. I’m here for you—don’t hesitate to reach out!
