The sexual sin of pornography seems to be rampant in today’s society. Everywhere we turn we see images of sexy, barely-clad people trying to sell us everything from clothing and cosmetics to beer, flashy vacations, and automobiles. The average boy is exposed to pornography by the age of eleven,1 and the “normalization” of porn by the media industry is in full swing. The attitude that “everyone” looks at porn is pervasive in today’s society, as is the push that porn is supposedly normal or even healthy. All this contributes not only to an overall toxic societal environment, but it destroys both individuals and families.

“The decisive battle between the kingdom of Christ and Satan will be over marriage and the family.”

(St. Lucia, commenting on what Our Lady told her during the Fatima apparitions)

Lust sells. And it also obliterates true intimacy.

But why does someone develop a pornography addiction? Is it because they’re a creep, a pervert, obsessed with sex, a bad and chronically unfaithful partner who doesn’t really love or care about their spouse, or even themselves? Or could there be deeper, sadder, hidden reasons that require not merely a personal shift, but a spiritual renewal? Could pornography addiction be less about sex and more about an inner emptiness that needs healing?

The why of any toxic behavior is crucial to understand for both the betrayed partner and for the addict. The betrayed partner most often feels confused, angry, heartbroken, depressed, numb, shamed, physically ill—or all of the above, a variating swirl of emotions that leave her dizzy and distressed. The addicted partner likely feels an intense amount of shame and self-loathing, but still finds his behavior difficult to stop. As with any addiction, the mind may desire to change, but the pull of self-will and lack of ability to handle life’s stresses often causes an addict to fall back into vice.

“I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

(Rom. 7:15)

It isn’t uncommon for pornography addiction to be fueled by a strong desire to be in a close and loving relationship, coupled with the opposing fear of intimacy. There’s usually a core inner wound residing within an addicted person, a wound that has to be excavated and, through God’s saving power, healed. It could be childhood abuse or neglect, toxic shame and feelings of worthlessness, divorce or past infidelity, or some other long-held trauma. Everyone is different, and no one is immune to falling into the trap of sin in a misguided effort to relieve anxiety, stress, and trauma—just as no one is immune to the healing power of God’s grace, unless they completely close themselves off from His peace, love and mercy

Fear, shame, a need to control something in order to feel safe … The inner tug-of-war an addict feels tends to create a vibrant amount of turmoil and stress within a person. This encourages a vulnerable and difficult-to-resist urge to self-soothe in order to ease the extreme anxiety. When self-soothing proves to be merely temporary, more and higher levels of stimulation are required, so the addiction—whether it be to pornography, drugs, gambling, alcohol, or anything else—increases and becomes ever-more toxic, spilling outward to poison anyone in a relationship with the addict. Of course, after toxic behaviors are engaged in, the deep sense of shame keeps the destructive cycle turning.

“Live in accord with the Spirit and you will not yield to the cravings of the flesh. The flesh lusts against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh; the two are directly opposed. That is why you do not do what your will intends.”

(Gal. 5:16-17)

However, amidst all this turmoil, betrayal, and self-destructive behavior, there is help, and hope, and healing. There can even be a renewal of true intimacy within a relationship that has been damaged by sexual betrayal.

Disclaimer: I use the pronoun “he” for the individual suffering from pornography addiction and “she” for the betrayed partner not because women are immune to the temptations of sexual sin, but because statistically men are more likely to fall into the trap of pornography addiction. Just keep in mind that men can be the betrayed partner, too.

For the spouse of a pornography addict:

Your partner’s addiction isn’t about you. It doesn’t mean you’re unattractive or that you’re inherently flawed in some other way. If your spouse is also abusive, the same holds true; it’s not your fault. Sex addicts aren’t necessarily domestic abusers, but domestic abusers are most often sex addicts. Just remember, all this shows that your partner has damaged pieces within himself, and his actions reflect his issues, not your issues or those of your relationship.

What can you do to help your partner recover from his addiction? The best thing you can do is to allow him to recover on his own. It’s not up to you, it’s not your responsibility. Focus on yourself and healthy self-care. You need to heal from the scars of his behavior, the betrayal trauma and the loss of trust. Likely you feel so confused and betrayed that you’re not sure how to go forward. Work on that first. Stop focusing on him, and instead focus on yourself in a loving and empathetic way.

Healing comes from within, not from external sources such as another person. Your partner has to see his fault, acknowledge his toxicity without excuse or blame, and take proactive steps to move forward.

He has to do his own work.

He can’t rely on you—this is his issue.

He needs to be willing to fix it.

For the individual suffering from a pornography addiction:

Where does your core wound reside? Why do you feel the need to self-sooth in toxic ways? What hole are you trying to fill? What is the source of your emptiness or feelings of low self-worth? As I said above, full admittance and conversion are necessary.

In order for true change to take place, you have to find the Road to Damascus, get on it, and walk. And keep walking, all the way to the end, despite enticing detours and the mental exhaustion that may tempt you to turn back. In other words, a true, God-graced conversion must take place within your heart, such as the conversion that happened to St. Paul in Acts 9.

“You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”

(St. Augustine)

Above all, you absolutely must find help. You can’t break this toxic pattern alone. Seeking group therapy, such as an abuser’s intervention program (if abuse is also an issue with you) and/or pornography addiction recovery programs such as Strive21, are absolutely essential.

Your emptiness must be filled before you can move forward. There’s only one source of true inner fulfillment, one stream of Living Water. We’re all Imago Dei, made in the image of God, and the only way to be our true selves is to nurture and cultivate that divine imagine within. Living a virtuous life takes work—a lot of it—but it’s ultimately the only authentic way to live.

Seek not only professional psychological help, but spiritual counseling as well. An educated and empathetic priest or well-trained spiritual director can help you develop a firmer relationship with Jesus. Once filled with Him, the thought of filling yourself with external wanderings becomes, by the grace of God, utterly repulsive.

For those suffering with a deep inner emptiness, filling that emptiness with God rather than external stimulation such as pornography, gambling, compulsive eating or shopping, excessive alcohol consumption, or other means of avoidance is the only way true healing can take place. If you try to heal without God, you’ll either fall back into old addictions or new vices will crop up in place of the old ones. Remember the words of Christ:

When the unclean spirit has gone out of a man, he passes through waterless places seeking rest, but he finds none. Then he says, “I will return to my house from which I came.” And when he comes he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. Then he goes and brings with him seven other spirits more evil than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first.”

(Matt 12:43-45)

Don’t let that happen. Instead, fill yourself with God. And allow Him to fill you.

Find help:

• For female betrayed partners, Bloom for Women and Hope’s Garden

• For male pornography addicts seeking to change, Strive21

• For resources and further help for both male and female pornography addicts as well as spouses, Covenant Eyes and Integrity Restored

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(1)  Dr. Kevin Skinner, “Healing Trauma from Sexual Betrayal,” https://bloomforwomen.com/course/healing-from-betrayal-trauma/.

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