At the Foot of the Cross
When I was in the convent often I would reflect on Good Friday because of the pain and suffering that I endured at the hands of my novice mistress. I would sit on the floor of my room teary eyed and clutching the crucifix, which often gave me peace because I knew that I was sharing my suffering with Christ. I was not alone in those moments of overwhelming isolation.
Good Friday for Christians, especially Catholics is the most somber day of the liturgical year. The Tabernacle is empty, there is no light in the sanctuary, the crucifixes are removed from the sacred space, the holy water is removed from the fonts, and there is no Mass celebrated in any Catholic Church around the world. Christ’s crucifixion is not a story of hopelessness and despair, but one of hope and redemption because after every Good Friday is the Resurrection.
For those who have experienced abuse in religious life the story of Christ’s immense suffering and death offers comfort and consolation. Despite our Lord being in the midst of His suffering He never took His eyes off of His mission and did not turn away from the Will of the Father. Christ remained steadfast in His love of humanity despite being tortured by His perpetrators. It is at the Cross that the Son of God forgave all of us for our transgressions and pleaded with His Father to forgive His tormentors. His greatest expression of love was the Cross, and that is the reason Catholics wear crucifixes; to remind us of God’s greatest act of love for His people.
Those who have been abused in the convent can look towards our Christian faith to find strength in the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness can be challenging and difficult, especially in the case of losing a vocation to the religious life because of abuse. But it can bring peace and freedom from the hurt that can remain with us for a long time even after the abuse has ended. When we forgive we can help to set ourselves free from the pain, and can move towards healing from the experience.
When we look towards Christ’s crucifixion we can also see a story about how suffering is not meaningless. Often we question God as to why He has allowed us to experience so much pain, and even though we do not understand it at the time, it plays a significant role in our own salvation. God’s Will is always for us to attain salvation, and to spend eternity with Him. The reason for Christ’s ultimate sacrifice was to grant us our salvation and offer us redemption, and perhaps in our own lives the suffering that we endure is either for our own salvation or the salvation of another member of the Mystical Body of Christ.
As we reflect on Good Friday, today in our own meditations let us ponder on the suffering of Christ, and how even the Son of Man was not excluded from suffering. If God Himself had to suffer then we should not expect that we ourselves would be exempt from suffering. Christ did not come to banish pain and suffering, but to save us from our sins and restore the relationship between God and man.
When we gaze upon the crucifix today let us contemplate on the power of forgiveness and the transformative nature of suffering in our lives. Those of us who have endured abuse by superiors in the convent or who have suffered from other abuses may never be completely free from the pain of the experience, but we can turn towards our Catholic Faith to find hope and healing, and be reminded that we are never alone in our suffering because Christ is always with us.
When Mr. McCarrick’s death was announced it was like a knife to the heart. It brought back everything I had worked so hard to move past. I’ve been unable to go to church or to pray much at all. Although it doesn’t take the pain away I am greatly comforted by Jesus’ suffering. He is inviting me to enter more deeply into his passion and I’m doing what I can, which isn’t much. I’m also scared. The last time something like this happened I came very close to taking my life. I beg your prayers.
Note: McCarrick was not the priest who sexually assaulted me. Also, in addition to being in desperate need of prayers, I share this so people will know they aren’t alone in their pain. If we can we need to talk about our pain. There’s no shame in doing so. And if it helps one person in their journey it’s truly an act of charity.