Half of my life ago I became aware that my years spent in pursuit of my spiritual welfare, and even of hopefully genuine sanctity was all about what might possibly occur in my life with precious little concern for what might occur in the life of God because of my self concern. At once, and for the first time, I became aware that our God could, and actually did have needs. His first was ironically a need for enjoining my (our) pitiful company for eternity. I lived my life always beset with uncertainty and knawing fear fear in the background prior to this. I had before this always considered myself to have lived my life fully in surrender to God and yet there was always still this incessant shadow of fear just out of reach of my faith in God. I thought maybe I needed to man up a bit more and tried that tactic to no avail. As time passed I started to become aware of lust how little of my life and my convictions could be found by any reasonable assessment to have been in a state of genuine surrender to God. My life had always been mine and what had always been my most certain convictions had never been at any further risk, once established in me, to those of my God. I was greatly troubled by what I could see was the gross insufficiency of my former convictions and the pitiful dispositions I had anchored my "spirituality" to. Although I had encountered the "concept" before at times, since I never had any sort of clerical bent, I never gave the notion of consecration much thought. I began thinking to myself "how do you truly and most of all, completely surrender what is inherently yours and cannot otherwise than always be to God. In a single word, "consecration", I had found the answer to my dilemma. I made the consecration of my life to God alone, for His sake alone, and surrendered to Him my every concern for my own welfare and safety that very day. No witnesses except for whatever Saints and Angels were around, no fanfare, no physical ceremony and anonymity. Just me there locked in mutual gaze for a few precious moments with the Love of my life. I have had many close calls with my mortality since those decades ago and cannot recall being troubled by even a moment of my formerly undefined fear, or any fear for myself at all for that matter because my life is no longer my own for better or worse. Its every concern belongs to my Creator, even that of my rather sinful disposition. For that He has encouraged me to pray constantly for knowledge of His incessant observation of me and always do. I have no certain notion at all that it is Paradise that awaits me, and I must admit I cannot bring myself even to care. I have asked God repeatedly to expend me without reservation at His pleasure and then discard me at His discretion when I am spent. It is His pleasure alone that matters to me now. I have no assurance in me that even after years of exposure at near proximity to our Father spent at His feet, that it is Heaven that indeed awaits me with certainty. Even with that issue, I cannot bring myself to be concerned. I am fully aware in whose hands my very existence incessantly rests. My pleasure is that He will do with me now and in eternity precisely as He chooses without concern for me except that in expending me according to His designs that He will always loved and adored as a result. What I can say, and what is now my only concern and my one consolation late in my life, is that I am able to observe on the face of God His unconstrained joy and pleasure at my continued but admittedly pitiful efforts to attend to Him. I do not know yet how this could be but I am beginning to see that His incessant and insatiable need for our company is finally beginning to be met in some of us. To be able to observe the immense pleasure on the face of God anytime I care to, that has been the result of a simple unqualified consecration of myself to Him long ago where I can now be truly and freely exist entirely at His disposal, is still simply stunning to me. For those who might fear the result of what can be a perfect consecration of self to God, I have to say there is nothing to fear. What awaits us is a truly unimaginable and unique communion with our God where it it is our embodiment by a God that loves each of us intimately and without limit that awaits us. It is His pleasure that has become for me my one desire and all that matters to me. I could certainly use as much of the good company of others in their consecration to God as the willing spirit in them will allow. I know there are some good and faithful individuals who will find some or maybe all of this account of my journey with God quite silly for their own good reasons. My only excuse for my foolishness is that I felt that in obedience to Him, I had to go where God led me.
Half of my life ago I became aware that my years spent in pursuit of my spiritual welfare, and even of hopefully genuine sanctity was all about what might possibly occur in my life with precious little concern for what might occur in the life of God because of my self concern. At once, and for the first time, I became aware that our God could, and actually did have needs. His first was ironically a need for enjoining my (our) pitiful company for eternity. I lived my life always beset with uncertainty and knawing fear fear in the background prior to this. I had before this always considered myself to have lived my life fully in surrender to God and yet there was always still this incessant shadow of fear just out of reach of my faith in God. I thought maybe I needed to man up a bit more and tried that tactic to no avail. As time passed I started to become aware of lust how little of my life and my convictions could be found by any reasonable assessment to have been in a state of genuine surrender to God. My life had always been mine and what had always been my most certain convictions had never been at any further risk, once established in me, to those of my God. I was greatly troubled by what I could see was the gross insufficiency of my former convictions and the pitiful dispositions I had anchored my "spirituality" to. Although I had encountered the "concept" before at times, since I never had any sort of clerical bent, I never gave the notion of consecration much thought. I began thinking to myself "how do you truly and most of all, completely surrender what is inherently yours and cannot otherwise than always be to God. In a single word, "consecration", I had found the answer to my dilemma. I made the consecration of my life to God alone, for His sake alone, and surrendered to Him my every concern for my own welfare and safety that very day. No witnesses except for whatever Saints and Angels were around, no fanfare, no physical ceremony and anonymity. Just me there locked in mutual gaze for a few precious moments with the Love of my life. I have had many close calls with my mortality since those decades ago and cannot recall being troubled by even a moment of my formerly undefined fear, or any fear for myself at all for that matter because my life is no longer my own for better or worse. Its every concern belongs to my Creator, even that of my rather sinful disposition. For that He has encouraged me to pray constantly for knowledge of His incessant observation of me and always do. I have no certain notion at all that it is Paradise that awaits me, and I must admit I cannot bring myself even to care. I have asked God repeatedly to expend me without reservation at His pleasure and then discard me at His discretion when I am spent. It is His pleasure alone that matters to me now. I have no assurance in me that even after years of exposure at near proximity to our Father spent at His feet, that it is Heaven that indeed awaits me with certainty. Even with that issue, I cannot bring myself to be concerned. I am fully aware in whose hands my very existence incessantly rests. My pleasure is that He will do with me now and in eternity precisely as He chooses without concern for me except that in expending me according to His designs that He will always loved and adored as a result. What I can say, and what is now my only concern and my one consolation late in my life, is that I am able to observe on the face of God His unconstrained joy and pleasure at my continued but admittedly pitiful efforts to attend to Him. I do not know yet how this could be but I am beginning to see that His incessant and insatiable need for our company is finally beginning to be met in some of us. To be able to observe the immense pleasure on the face of God anytime I care to, that has been the result of a simple unqualified consecration of myself to Him long ago where I can now be truly and freely exist entirely at His disposal, is still simply stunning to me. For those who might fear the result of what can be a perfect consecration of self to God, I have to say there is nothing to fear. What awaits us is a truly unimaginable and unique communion with our God where it it is our embodiment by a God that loves each of us intimately and without limit that awaits us. It is His pleasure that has become for me my one desire and all that matters to me. I could certainly use as much of the good company of others in their consecration to God as the willing spirit in them will allow. I know there are some good and faithful individuals who will find some or maybe all of this account of my journey with God quite silly for their own good reasons. My only excuse for my foolishness is that I felt that in obedience to Him, I had to go where God led me.
Thank you for this and all the other insightful and inspiring reflections you offer.