A House is Not Always a Home

What makes a house a home?

God has etched into every human heart a deep, persistent longing for home. A true home is so much more than just a shelter and a place to store your belongings. What makes a house a home… a home that is a reflection of the eternal home God has prepared for us? These are the qualities that my heart desires in my home: safety, peace, authentic mutual self-giving love, a sense of belonging and of being seen, known, and loved, compassion, honesty, and laughter. So many of us are not living and thriving in true homes but rather are living and merely surviving in houses with an atmosphere of fear, anxiety, lies, conflict, betrayal, and even violence.

I want to share with you a few staggering statistics about domestic abuse. These facts were cited in the book, No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us by Rachel Louise Snyder.

“Between 2000 and 2006, 3,200 American soldiers were killed; during that same period, domestic homicide in the United States claimed 10,600 lives. (This figure is likely an underestimate, as it was pulled from the FBI’s Supplementary Homicide Reports, which gather data from local police departments, and participation is voluntary.) Twenty people in the United States are assaulted every minute by their partners. Former United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan called violence against women and girls the “most shameful human rights violation” and the World Health Organization called it a “global health problem of epidemic proportions.” A study put out by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime cited fifty thousand women around the world were killed by partners or family members in 2017 alone. Fifty thousand women. The UNODC report called home “the most dangerous place for women.” And despite growing awareness that men, too, can be victims of domestic violence, the overwhelming majority of victims—about 85%—are still, today, women and girls. And for every woman killed in the United States from domestic violence homicide, nearly nine are almost killed.”

Why am I sharing such tragic, heart-breaking statistics? Because the healing of marriage and family is at the heart of our mission. And October is Respect Life Month. For most of us the phrases, “respect life” and “pro-life” are associated with the evils of abortion and euthanasia. My prayer is that domestic abuse would become synonymous with “pro-life issue” and “respect life month”. Pope St. John Paul II and Pope Francis both proclaimed boldly that the family is the foundation of society and, therefore, the Church. Pope Francis said, “To hurt a woman is to insult God, who from a woman took on our humanity.”

This is not a “new” teaching of our Church. She has always proclaimed the dignity of the human person, the centrality of marriage and family to the welfare of society, and the need for protection of the vulnerable and abused.

“Whatever violates the integrity of the human person, such as physical and mental torture and attempts to coerce the spirit…are infamies indeed. They poison human society…they are supreme dishonor to the Creator.” (Gaudium et Spes, no. 27; cf. Veritatis Splendor, nos. 80–81)

“Action on behalf of justice and participation in the transformation of the world…are a constitutive dimension of the preaching of the Gospel.” (Justice in the World, no. 6)

“Human dignity is a Gospel value that cannot be despised without greatly offending the Creator.” (Pope St. John Paul II, CELAM, nos. 202–203)

Respect for life must not just be talked about in our homes but lived.

I think particularly of the shameful ill-treatment to which women are sometimes subjected, domestic violence and various forms of enslavement which, rather than a show of masculine power, are craven acts of cowardice. The verbal, physical, and sexual violence that women endure in some marriages contradicts the very nature of the conjugal union.” (Pope Francis)

Women from around the world are coming to Hope’s Garden seeking a safe refuge from the fear and abuse in their homes. As women, we are taught from an early age that we are not safe out in the world. That we need to be vigilant, aware of our surroundings, avoid being alone in places like parking garages, cover our drinks when out for the evening, and to carry protective items like mace or alarms in our purses. If we are vulnerable to violence when out of our homes and our home is also a dangerous place then where are we safe? Where do we experience the security, freedom, and peace that God desires for us?

The Church cannot hide abuse, no matter where it occurs, but instead must serve as a model in its response to abuse – including by shining a light on the issue of abuse in society and in families. As part of that response, the Church must also offer safe spaces for victims to be heard, supported psychologically, and protected.” (Pope Francis)

Catholic families are not immune to the epidemic of violence and objectification that plagues our culture. We must respond with compassion and support for victims as well as holding their spouses accountable. Men must be ministered to and told the truth of their dignity and worth. They are called to become living icons of Christ the Bridegroom Who laid down His life for the good of His bride. Violent, manipulative, controlling behavior is beneath their dignity. Pope St. John Paul II, the defender of human dignity, said, “It is the duty of every man to uphold the dignity of every woman”. It is in fulfilling this duty that men realize their true potential and likeness to Christ.

God desires the healing of all hearts, marriages, and families. Will you join the Hope’s Garden community in praying the Holy Rosary for peace and safety in all homes? May the domestic church be restored and our homes be schools of love.

Prayers to St. Paul and St. Dymphna for an end to domestic abuse:

St. Paul, I ask your intercession for men who violate the dignity of the women and children entrusted to them by God. Please pray with me that God would remove the scales from their eyes so that they will see the harm they are doing to others and to themselves, and understand that it is Jesus Himself they are persecuting. May Christ pierce their hearts with Truth just as He did for you, St. Paul. Through His grace and mercy, may they be healed and become the men, husbands, and fathers that God created them to be. Amen.

St. Dymphna, I ask your intercession for women and children who are betrayed and harmed by the men that they trust and depend on. You, too, were abused in your own home and your dignity violated by the man who had promised to love and care for you. Please be with Christ’s precious daughters and children who live in fear and sorrow. Through His grace and mercy, may they be rescued from harm and healed from the effects of domestic violence. May they find peace, healing, and the love they deserve in the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, our true home. Amen.

If you or a loved one are not safe in your home, please know that God wants you to seek help and help is available.

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers 24/7 confidential support, education, and resources for anyone experiencing abuse or seeking to help.

  • Learn More: thehotline.org

  • Call: 800-799-7233 (SAFE)

• Coercive Control Advocacy Handbook from the Cleveland Diocese